Parks & Avengeration
by JuniorGarlantRanger
Summary: When Thanos lands in the quiet town of Pawnee Indiana, the Avengers must team up with the likes of Leslie Knope to save the world.
1. Chapter 1

Aboard the Guardians of the Galaxy's spaceship, Peter Quill paced about his quarters nervously.

 _I am very nervous about the upcoming Avengers Infinity War_. _That Thanos is sure to pack a punch, as my beautiful wife Gamora can attest. She is the daughter of Thanos, and green._

Peter turned to the door as a knock came. In a low rumble came the voice of Drax, Peter's greatest friend. "Peter, we approach Earth."

"Alright, buddy. I know you're not very good with metaphors so I'll try not to use any." It was true. Drax was not good with metaphors. Peter assumed this was because Drax had autism.

Peter found the rest of the Guardians sitting around their table laying out a plan of action for when they arrived on Earth.

"-I was thinking we arrive somewhere at the end of the first act, maybe the beginning of the second," Gamora was saying. "We'll swoop in and deflate the tension with some comedy. Remember, people, we can't go more than fifteen seconds without comedy."

Peter sat down with the other Guardians, and Thor. Thor was there, too. He wasn't a real Guardian, more of a friend with benefits. That benefit was Thor's ability to carry himself in a fight.

"I am Groot," teenage Groot said, his voice cracking. Groot, you see, only spoke those words, and always in that order. Peter assumed this was because Groot had tree autism.

"Astute observation, my arborous friend," Thor said with a smile. Peter was afraid of Thor, as he had only a single eye planted squarely in the center of his bulbous forehead. This was not all Peter was afraid of, he would be reluctant to admit. Black people and the exceedingly ugly frightened Peter as well.

"What do you think, Rocket?" Gamora asked, turning to the small arms expert of the gang. Rocket didn't respond at first, twiddling his chin with his fingers.

"Alrighty then," he said with a grin.

Peter smiled at his gang. In a manner of hours, he'd once again be on Earth.


	2. Chapter 2

Andy Dwyer sat atop the government building in Pawnee, Indiana. He marvelled at the small town, from up so high he could surely see the world. Beside him sat his lovely and only sometimes verbally abusive wife April. Today was their second anniversary, and Andy was happier than he had ever been.

April, with binoculars to her eyeballs, broke the silence. "Jerry spotted." She brought out her airsoft rifle and took aim. Andy knew her aim to be true when he could hear Jerry's yelp. "Great prank, babe. Jerry may have grown numb from our emotional torture, but his body yet still feels pain."

April chuckled quietly, revelling in the moment. Again, she brought her binoculars to her face. Her smile faded from her expression, disbelief replacing it. "Andy…?"

Andy didn't need her binoculars to see what she was seeing. In the sky, hung in the air, was a slowly landing spaceship. Andy couldn't tell how far away it was, but he could see it was larger than any ship he had seen before.

As the ship began to eclipse the sun, April grabbed Andy's hand and ran inside. Every television on in the government building was focused on the news of the spaceship. Andy and April turned the corner, ripping open the door to Ron Swanson's office. Ron Swanson sat at his desk, eating a rare steak.

"For the last time April, steak time is personal time-" Ron began to say, rolling his eyes.

"There's a big ol' spaceship up in the sky, Ron," Andy interrupted.

"Hmm," Ron said, clearly deep in thought. He grabbed an assault rifle from under his desk, picked up a framed photo of an expertly crafted wooden table, and kissed it. Andy could hear Ron whisper, "I will always love you."

Andy and April followed Ron back outside. The spaceship had landed. Outside the ship, she could make out a large purple man holding someone by the neck. She raised the binoculars to her face. Could it be…? _No!_

Jerry trembled, tears streaming from his face as he was held up by the purple man. The man, easily eight feet tall by April's estimate, laughed at the crowd that had now gathered.

"Garry Gergich. My old friend," the purple man said, loud enough to be heard by anyone watching.

 _Had Jerry ever mentioned an old friend?_ April thought frantically. _A high school pal, an old coworker?_ She staggered slightly as she remembered. _Thanos._ Jerry had often talked of his old buddy Thanos. They had gone on space adventures and stuff. Nobody ever listened because Jerry was terrible. _If only I had paid attention to his boring stories, I might have known some of Thanos' weaknesses!_

"You abandoned me, Garry. Come to work at some stuffy government job in this backwater town," he paused, " _Pawnee, Indiana,_ " he said with a sneer. "That I could forgive, Garry, but you betrayed me. You stole the soul stone."

Jerry's eyes bulged with terror. "I needed it, Thanos! My wife Gale, she- she was diagnosed with Space Virus!"

"I don't care, Garry. I've come to take it once more. Tell me, old friend, why do you not fight back?"

Jerry looked to the ground, ashamed. "I took an oath not to kill ever again. Not after… Not after…"

Thanos laughed as Jerry desperately tried to look for the words. Thanos squeezed Jerry's neck, until he stopped sputtering. Thanos dropped the man.


	3. Chapter 3

Packed in a van, making their way to Thanos' ship, sat the Avengers. At the driver's seat was Steve Rogers, trying his best to focus on the road. In the back, the rest of the Avengers were chatting amiably about the past adventures they'd shared.

"Hey, uh, hey guys," Scott Lang interjected, "you mind if we stop by the bathroom real quick? Ant-Man's gotta go."

Steve sighed loudly, shaking his head. "I told you all to go before we left!"

"I did, Cap! My bladder is approximately the size of an ant, it's a consequence of my powers!"

Steve glanced at the van's digital clock, before sighing again. "I guess we have time." He pulled into a rest-stop by the side of the road. Scott didn't wait for the van to be at a complete stop before he jumped out and started running to the restrooms.

Scott had barely noticed the parked limousine next to the van. On the side of the luxury car, painted in bright colors, was the logo of the Sweetums Candy Company. Scott, too, did not notice the man who had held the door open for him as he ran by. Had he looked up, Scott may have observed a striking resemblance between that man and himself.

"Get out of the way, my ant-sized peepee can't take it any longer!" Scott yelled to the employees and customers of the convenience store, none of whom were particularly in his way.

As Scott left the bathroom, he let out an emphatic sigh. "No need to worry folks. It's taken care of." He winked at the girl running the counter, "How are ya? I'm an Avenger."

The Avenger's Van was driving away as Scott stepped out of the rest stop. He didn't have much time to gape before the driver of the limousine stepped out and called to him.

"Mr. Newport, we'd best not dilly dally."

Mr. Newport? Well, it doesn't look like my own ride is coming back. "Right," he said, hesitant. "And what's our destination, driver?"

"Why, Pawnee, Indiana, sir. Where the spaceship landed." The older man's expression displayed worry. "Are you okay, Bobby? You seem haggard."

"No, no, I'm fine, driver. Let's go."


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a tough couple of days for Peter Parker. Tony couldn't afford to fly Peter out to Pawnee to aid in the battle against Thanos, he'd heard the Avengers themselves had to rent a van. Times were tough, and so Peter had to make his own way. Late last night, he'd finally made it to Pawnee. After an assessment of his remaining money- including what was left of the thirty-five dollars Tony could spare- Peter had opted not to stay at a hotel. Instead, Peter had stayed with a distant relative of his, Aunt May's brother's uncle's cousin's step-son. Benji Wyatt.

"Well, thanks for everything Mr. Wyatt, I'm gonna go fight Thanos now." Peter Park called to the other room as he stepped out the door.

Ben came around the corner wearing nothing but a pair of oven mitts, an apron, and socks. In his hands was a metal tray, filled with calzones.

"You sure, buddy? I make a mean calzone. A real mean calzone. Have a few before you go!"

Peter screamed and ran from the house.

Ben sighed, putting the tray of calzones down. "I'm just no good with kids, Leslie." His brow furrowed for a moment, before he said, "What are you gonna do about this whole Thanos situation?"

Leslie was sitting at the dining room table, digging into a plate of waffles. In between bites, she said to Ben with a full mouth, "I just need to show this Thanos guy how great Pawnee is. Maybe I can get him to destroy Eagleton, instead."

Ben turned away from Leslie to stare incredulously at the wall. It was as if he was reacting to some camera that wasn't there. Ben did this a lot, Leslie assumed, because he had autism.

"I'll have some sort of town forum by the spaceship today," Leslie began again, "in my mind, Thanos is nothing more than a big purple dissatisfied resident of Pawnee."

Ben wasn't so sure. He had seen Thanos choke the life out of Jerry just the day before. He was surprised to see how little of an affect his death had on Leslie.

"I'm gonna go over to the government building, see how I can help over there," Ben said to his wife, still eating waffles. "You prepare for your forum. I'll see you later." Ben stuffed a few calzones in his pocket for the road, and made his way to the town hall.

The town hall, Ben was surprised to find, was not in as much disarray as he expected. Without knocking (Ben had always hoped to find Chris naked one of these times), Ben opened the door to Chris' office and went inside. Chris was talking on the phone, he looked dismayed.

"Ben Wyatt," Chris said to his old friend, pointing double finger-guns. The finger-guns looked almost mournful, and Chris' arms hung limp. This was possibly the most sad state Ben had ever seen Chris in.

"I was on the phone with a man that shoots bows and arrows, Ben." Chris said, looking sullen. "He assured me he was a 'hot guy,' but that does nothing to cheer me up," Chris sighed, a tear streaming down his face. "He told me this Thanos was going to snap his fingers and destroy half of humanity, which is- literally- the saddest thing I've heard all day. Jerry was an acceptable loss, but _half of humanity_? It's just too much," he brought his hands up to his face and began to weep.

"Don't worry, Chris, Leslie's going to figure things out," Ben said, patting his lifelong friend on the back. _She has to,_ he added, in his mindbrain.


	5. Chapter 5

A temporary stage had been built near the landing site of Thanos' spaceship. Thanos crossed his arms, scowling at Leslie as she walked onto the stage and began to speak.

"Alright, everyone, if we're ready to begin here." Leslie smiled at the crowd. "Residents of Pawnee, news anchors, Thanos," she said, gesturing kindly to the large purple man. "We are gathered here today not only to mourn our good friend Jerry," this time she gestured to Jerry's family, all of them wearing black, their faces red from crying, "but for something much more important as well. To implore Thanos to not destroy anyone else."

"That… That was beautiful. You know, I think it's time I rethink this whole villain thing," Thanos was saying. Leslie could see a tear forming in the corner of the man's eye. "Thank you Les-"

Another large spaceship crashed down at that moment, and out walked a bunch of heroic looking people. First among them was a handsome young man named Peter Quill.

"I am Star Lord," he said, "I shoot you now."

Every one of the newcomers began to fire science-fiction guns at Thanos, who whimpered and cried as he brought his arms up, trying to block the bullets. A van pulled up at that moment, and out came the Avengers. First among them was a handsome young man named Captain America.

"You're nothing more than a space nazi, Thanos," he said with a scowl, "I throw my shield now."

Thanos was shrieking and screaming like a goblin as Cap started to throw his shield boomerang into the man's stomach.

"Wow, what a day! Very cool, very cool," exclaimed Ant Man to himself. Among the Avengers, he was the only one to not attack Thanos. He seemed out of place, he wasn't even wearing a costume.

"Enough!" yelled Thanos, holding his hands up in the air. "I take back what I said, I'm going to still be a bad guy!" He gave Leslie an almost apologetic look, "we shall fight, twenty-four hours from now, right here." Thanos nodded, looking both at the crowd of civilians, and at the Avengers and space-people group. He gave a small wave and smile at a green woman, who only scowled in response. "I'll be in my spaceship," Thanos huffed, before turning around and walking to his ship.

Leslie hadn't noticed until now, but the resemblance of this so-called Star-Lord to Andy was striking. She could see Andy in the audience, who was staring amazedly at Star-Lord. Leslie was disgusted to notice Andy had a very prominent erection.

Andy made his way to this dashing space rogue, trying his best to hide his boner.

"Excuse me sir," he said, once he had finally reached the man. "My name is… Bert Macklin, and I would like to fight by your side." Andy glanced at the man's nether regions and gasped. He, too, had an erection.

"My name is Peter Quill," he said with a smile, extending his hand, "welcome to the Guardians of the Galaxy. And I didn't say frickin'."


	6. Chapter 6

Scott Lang could tell they had reached Pawnee, the smell was beginning to be too much. Another reasonable indication was the giant spaceship in the middle of the town, which was now accompanied by another, smaller spaceship.

"They're multiplying! Am I right, driver?" Scott chuckled to himself.

"Yes, Mr. Newport, you are very funny, Mr. Newport." The driver said from the front seat. Scott could see from the mirror in front of him that he hadn't even cracked a smile.

 _Yes, I am very funny,_ Scott thought to himself, a little hurt. _Wait, if I'm going to be fighting Thanos, I'll need a new costume, I left my other one in the van._ Scott yelled for his driver to find a clothing store, and fast.

Tom went about cleaning his store, Rent-A-Swag, not paying much attention. Most of the small brown man's thoughts were focused on the television in the corner of his store, which was showing what was going down at Thanos' spaceship.

 _What I would give to be a hero like them_ , Tom thought wistfully. The most heroic thing he'd ever done was marry a Canadian woman to get her a green card.

Tom's fantasies were interrupted as a man barreled through the door. "I need a costume, you may recognize me, I'm Ant Man."

"Of course I recognize you!" Tom said enthusiastically. He didn't, but a customer was a customer. "Actually, I really only have clothes for the middle-school crowd," Tom paused, considering for a moment. "You know, you have the same slight girlish frame I do, these clothes probably will fit you!"

Scott beamed, "thank you!" he said, his cheeks turning red.

"So you need a costume, huh? Well, Tommy's got just the thing." Tom turned around and motioned for Scott to follow.

They came into a dark room. In the room's center was a pedestal, on top of which sat a shining black spandex suit.

"Tommy used to get freaky in this thing, but it should do fine as a superhero costume," Tom said.

"I'll take it," Scott replied, "I almost like it better than my normal costume."

"Perfect! Mona Lisa can be your cashier." Tom grandly gestured to the empty check-out desk at the other end of the store. "Mona Lisa is not here," Tom said flatly, "looks like Tommy's gonna be your cashier."


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm Perd Hapley, and the story of my guest today is, he is a magician!" Perd nodded mechanically toward Dr. Steven Strange, who was not a magician, but some sort of wizard or something.

"My name is Dr. Steven Strange, Mr. Hapley, and I am not a magician, but some sort of wizard." Steven replied.

"Dr. Strange is now going to be performing magic tricks," Perd said, turning to his guest.

"No, no Mr. Perd, I'm here to talk about the upcoming fight against Thanos. It truly is an _Avengers Infinity War_. We were just hoping to recruit some more people for the cause before tomorrow."

Perd's expression hardly changed as he looked from Dr. Strange to the camera. "I do not understand what is going on," the man said, still smiling.

Behind the camera, chatting quietly, was Leslie, Ann, and Captain America.

"It's a shame we couldn't get on Jone Calimezo's show, but Perd is our next best shot, Captain," Leslie said, giving a crisp salute.

"Please, call me Steve," he replied with a smile. "And you don't need to salute." He looked back to Dr. Strange and Perd, smiling triumphantly as he did so. "I really do think this will help, though. It can't hurt to get a few more Avengers before the big fight."

Ann nodded, "uhm, Cap- Steve. Have you ever considered donating sperm?"

Steve sighed, looking wistfully to the ceiling. "Alas, my sperm belongs to Peggy Carter, may she rest in peace. Or her cute little granddaughter. Plus, I'm not ready to be a father."

"I'm ready Ann," a man said stepping out of the shadows, "If you're ready to be Jammed."

"Jeremy Jamm!" Ann and Leslie gasped in unison.

"That's right. I'm back, ladies," Jamm laughed, "when you stopped that Paunch Burger from being built, it really ruined my day. So I called a guy I knew to come mess you up. Thanos.

"But that kind of backfired. It would appear, at the moment, that I've Jammed myself. I've come to join in the fight against Thanos." He donned a mask, "I am Jamm Man."


	8. Chapter 8

Mark Brendanawicz was back in Pawnee, home to visit his family. He took a deep breathe, revelling in the sickly-sweet smell that was Pawnee Indiana's air. The sugar and smoke from the Sweetums plant mixed to create a smell that was wholly unique to the small town. Mark smiled. He was home.

A rogue gunshot took off Mark's head in a fiery explosion.

"Oh, crap!" Star Lord said, "I killed that guy!"

Bert Macklin took a moment to look away from the raging battle against Thanos, to the corpse of Mark. "Damn it Macklin," he said, fumbling to take off his sunglasses, "I could have saved him. Wait, is that Mark? Nevermind, that guy sucked!" Macklin's smile returned as he returned his sunglasses to his face and began to shoot at Thanos' army with a laser-gun the Guardians had loaned him.

Nearby, the Avenger were taking on their own small section of Thanos' horde.

"Antman, what are you doing?" Captain America called, in between throwing his shield and throwing punches. "You haven't used your power all day!"

Bobby Newport nodded back at the flag-clad super lad. He hadn't had the heart to tell the Avengers that he wasn't the guy they were looking for, just regular old Bobby. He had thrown on this weird costume they'd given him in the van, and the fight for the fate of Earth raged on around him.

 _Alright, use my power_ Bobby thought to himself, _my power…_ He felt around for buttons on his suit, found them on the glove area. With a deep breath and closed eyes, Bobby pressed the buttons. When Bobby opened his eyes once more, he was approximately the size of an ant!

"So that's why they call me Antman!" he thought aloud, "and here I thought it was because my powers were to be both an aunt and a man!" He put a finger to his chin, deep in thought, "though, if that were to be my power, I'd prefer the term Maunt. There's elegance in simplicity."

Bobby still didn't know what tactical advantage being an inch tall could bring, but he was glad his powers were being used, at least.

As Peter Parker swung from one of Thanos' army's spaceships to another, he repeated in his head what old Uncle Ben Wyatt had once told him. _With great calzones comes great responsibility_. He swallowed hard, a tear forming in his eye. _This is for you, Benji._

He shot a web at the eyes' of one of Thanos' soldiers flying on a hoverboard, blinding him momentarily. Spider-Man took that opportunity to kick the man's chest, throwing him off his hoverboard and to the ground. Behind the mask, Spider-Man smirked, trying to think of something funny to say. Before he could, however, Iron Man flew by, and opened telecoms with the young hero.

"You're doing fine work, son. I'm real proud of you." Iron Man nodded awkwardly in his metal suit and flew ahead.

As the objectively strongest Avenger, Hawkeye was doing what he could to hold back Thanos as the rest of the team fought off his armies. With well-placed shot after well-placed shot, Thanos was beginning to weaken. It was only a matter of time before he called it quits. In a moment of distraction, Hawkeye misstepped on the broken pavement, twisting his ankle. He groaned, almost falling to his knees, but through sheer willpower he remained standing.

"You weaken already," Thanos said smoothly, a smile appearing on his big purple face. "I hope they remember you, and I hope they remember to buy _Avengers Infinity War_ on BluRay and DVD." Thanos took another step forward, and Hawkeye prepared to die.

In an unexpected twist, a figure suddenly appeared to stop Thanos in his tracks. This mystery hero wore a suit and tie, and an open mask covering his face. His hair was unrestricted however, and a beautiful fro quivered in the wind.

"Jeremy Jamm," Thanos growled. "You were the one to call me here in the first place, and now you stand in my way?"

"I've come to pay for my misJamms, Thanos," Jamm said, his fists clenched. "I just wanted to see Knope put in her place, not the end of humanity!"

"And what could you possibly do to stop me, mortal?" Thanos laughed, putting his hands at his sides.

"Well, Thanos, you might remember that I'm a dentist. And you _might_ remember that I put a crown in for you as a favor! And," Jamm said a smile growing across his face, "in every crown I install, I put a miniature bomb, ready to detonate at my say-so. You just got Jammed," Jamm said, as he pulled his phone from out of his pocket and pressed a button.

"You're bluffing-" Thanos began, before his head exploded in a mist of purple blood.


	9. Epilogue

Everything had returned to normal in the sleepy town of Pawnee Indiana, for the most part.

"Are you sure you have to go?" April said to Andy, hugging him tightly. A tear trailed its way to her cheek.

"This is what Macklin's always wanted, April," Andy replied, smiling to her, "you know he never could play by the FBI's rules."

"Why don't I come with you?" April said, pleading. She turned to Star Lord, who was jamming out on his new MP3 player. He faced her, taking off his headphones.

"Yeah, I suppose we can always use some new members," Star Lord- Peter Quill- said. "What's your name?"

She hesitated, before answering, "It's Janet. Janet Snakehole.

The Avengers had returned to their base, taking Bobby Newport with them. Bobby still hadn't known how to admit he wasn't the real Ant Man, but he wasn't sure if he even wanted to. Being an Avenger, that wasn't so bad.

Buried beneath the rubble of crushed building and the corpses of Thanos' soldiers, was the corpse of a man. A man in a shining black spandex suit. Here, without fanfare, Scott Lang had died.


End file.
